Along my journey I kept my questions to myself. I sat in lonely conflict as they bounced firmly against my brain and consumed my every waking moment. I couldn’t think of anything else, I couldn’t turn the noise off. My brain was consumed with it.
Every day new questions appeared making the noise louder shaping new fears, sadness, regret, and anger. I
fought with the noise, I bargained with it thinking that if it would
stop I might be able to think of something positive, just one thing,
that’s what I longed for. Yet thinking of this caused more noise, a noise of wanting and wondering.
I worked hard to force my body to feel success towards getting better. I tried to see progress but it eluded me. I faithfully completed the tasks assigned, I faithfully fell into exhaustion. There was countless times where I wanted to give up and just let the thoughts take over my faith. I didn’t care anymore.
I would sit in sorrow. I saw it through all that was around me, things I once touched without worry. Sorrow seeped into the very core of my heart. I closed my eyes to hide from it and to hide from myself.
Then one day a positive thought appeared, the one I was waiting for! I opened my eyes to a thought that maybe I didn’t have to hide anymore. I
thought what if I didn’t disappear that I still had with me every
experience I had in my life, especially the ones that made me a creative
fighter. I
figured out that everything I experienced before my introduction to
disability still existed. It didn't disappear; it didn't run away, it
didn't go poof into the unknown. Everything was still a grand part of
me giving me an advantage as I began my steps into a new me.
Then
another positive thought appeared - I was still me, just in a different
skin! I realized that the wisdom of my life was my key to find ways
to cope, compensate, and accept – all on my terms.
My
positive thoughts took their time to show up, I still felt what trauma
threw at me and I still grieved for what disappeared from my body. I
still fought my way through stages of accepting what happened to me. I still tried to block it all out and hide. Then
little by little a chain of positive thoughts began to link together
and open my eyes to gaze into how obstacles are really difficulties that
could be overcome with a matter of practice. My heart opened to news that positive possibility was all up to me, not my noisy thoughts. Silencing
the noise helped me pay attention to the wisdom of how positive
journeys are those that can take us to places we always wanted to go.
